Want to go for a smoothie?
by PsychoGuy21
Summary: "Look upon your doom Ozpin! For years my machinations laid undetected and with this man as my successor, I will never know defeat!" "I hate you. All of you. With all of my hate. If there was more hate in my body right now, it would collapse and form a black hole of hatred." At Salem's words, he can look only forward with dead eyes, spirit that long since been broken.
1. Chapter 1

**Sometime In The Far, Far Future A.K.A Complete Longer Uncut Uncensored Summary**

* * *

"Look upon your doom Ozpin! For years my machinations laid undetected and with this man as my successor, I will never know defeat!" A roar from the army of grimm dragons filled the sky.

"I hate you. All of you. With all of my hate. If there was more hate in my body right now, it would collapse and form a black hole of hatred." The huntresses and huntsmen in training can only look upon them in fear.

"Listen to his declaration, and rejoice with trembling!"

At Salem's words, he can look only forward with dead eyes, spirit that long since been broken.

 _'Remnant is a truly awful place. I wanna go back to Earth. I miss my bed.'_

* * *

 **Sometime Before The Sometime In The Far, Far Future**

* * *

"RNJR, Ozpin, Qrow, I am on your side!"

"Be on your guard , his cunning knows no bounds. He probably set traps all over the place! Jaune, get his weapon off Weiss!"

"OZPIN YOU PARANOID DICKWAFFLE I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU! AND THAT IS A KNITTING NEEDLE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIS HONEYED WORDS!"

"DUDE! I WAS MAKING YOU GUYS SCARVES"

"YEAH, TO CHOKE US IN OUR SLEEP I BET!"

"JAUNE, I WILL LITERALLY CASTRATE YOU!"

"FINALLY REVEALED YOUR TRUE COLOURS, YOU FIEND!"

 _'Ruby, no...'_

* * *

 **Further Back Than Sometime Before The Sometime In The Far, Far Future**

* * *

"An unknown man is now on Mistral Number 1 most wanted. In the past week alone, he has burned down 2 city blocks, critically injured famed huntress "Pyrrha Nikos", rendered half the police department out of commission and stolen nearly three tons of dust from a Schnee refinement factory. If you ha-" Galahad threw a remote at the television set.

"Now now, Grimmsley. You shouldn't feel so down. In one week you did more than Roman ever did. Leaving behind a truck full of dust was a necessary loss. Salem sending you has been the greatest thing that has happened to me so far." Cinder praised.

Galahad gave her a glare filled with such hate she hasn't seen since her mother.

"W-well then, I'll just leave you alone for now. You may have the next day off. I will need your services again soon."

 _'What a amazing man. So critical of his tiny mistakes even though his mission was so successful. Having him by my side ensures me obtaining the fall maidens powers.'_

"What a scary dude. Just how strong is he?"

"I am not sure Mercury. It is best not to test him. His strength dwarves my own. Don't bother him too much. You saw what happened to Tukson."

Emerald shuddered. She would never get that image out of head. She and Mercury saw how Grimsley killed Tukson when he was eating his lunch. There was so much blood. He even ate one of his blood covered fries like nothing happened. Yep. That is totally how that happened.

* * *

 **A Different Perspective In Further Back Than Sometime Before The Sometime In The Far, Far Future In The First Person**

* * *

"An unknown man is now Mistral Number 1 most wanted. In the past week alone, he has burned down 2 city blocks,"

'That was the police department you dicks!'

"critically injured famed huntress 'Pyrrha Nikos',"

'SHE TRIPPED ON THE BANANA BY HERSELF! I EVEN WARNED HER ABOUT IT'

"rendered half the police department out of commission "

'I WAS HELPING A OLD WOMAN ACROSS THE STREET! HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT?!'

"and stolen nearly three tons of dust from a Schnee refinement factory."

'... I just wanted directions...'

If you ha-"

I tried to change the channel but my excessive sweat made the remote to slip out of my hand and right into the television. *crack!* Whoops.

In the corner of my eye I see Cinder approaching me. I try to make a neutral face but you try doing that when stuck with a crazy demigod.

"Now now, Grimmsley. You shouldn't feel so down. In one week you did more than Roman ever did. Leaving behind a truck full of dust was a necessary loss. Salem sending you has been the greatest thing that has happened to me so far." Cinder praised.

I can't believe I let Pyrrha get hurt. I'm a monster. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

"W-well then, I'll just leave you alone for now. You may have the next day off. I will need your services again soon."

 _'Please. If anyone is listening, let me go home...'_

* * *

 **Welp. Here we are. When I first read the prompt for The Queen's Apprentice, I was like hey, I could write some stuff for it. So I did so in a review. Everything in this chapter except for Complete Uncut Uncensored Summary was in a review for chapter 10 of Overlord by DownSmashJon if you wanted to look up my review. Cleaned up a little of course. As you can see, it was a bit more faithful to the original prompt.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sometime In The Vague Past, Season One,** **At the Docks**

* * *

"Hey." Said a unnamed fox white fang member that was stationed on guard duty.

"Yeah?" Replied a equally unnamed sloth white fang member also stationed on guard duty.

"Do you ever wonder why we'r-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there."

"Huh?"

"I have not watched the Orange V.S Green television show. I have no intention of watching. You are the fifth person to try to do the 'Do you ever wonder why we are here?' spiel on me, today alone. I won't do it. I refuse to respond with 'It's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? ' If you ask me that again, I will ignore you for the rest of this shift and uninvite you to my wedding."

...

"I actually wasn't going to ask you why we are here." The sloth man shot his partner a look.

"Oh, then what _were_ you going to ask me."

"Well _dick,_ I was going to ask you why we were still in the white fang." The sloth man shot his partner another look.

"To bring equality to all faunus kind?"

"Yeah yeah that's our goal, but why are we still here after that monster joined us?" The sloth man took a moment to process that question.

"Well... Cinder isn't too bad. Yeah she kicked our asses three months ago in one of our outposts, but since she joined recruitment been up and we have been gaining a lot of attention lately. She isn't so bad on the eyes either."

"No idiot I'm talking about the other guy. Also she only kicked your ass. My ass was protected by my trusty cone."

"Oh. That guy."

"Yeah. that guy. The slug Faunus with the freaky eyes."

...

...

"Honestly man, I just don't want what happened to Tukson happen to me."

"Yeah. That's fair. I didn't think it was anatomically possible to beat someone to death with their own skull."

"I heard he drank Tukson's blood afterwards, after eating his lunch. How psychotic do you have to be to do that?"

"Hmm. Did you know, he apparently burned down an orphanage yesterday after kicking a nun?"

"What a crazy bastard." The sloth man pulled out a cigarette and searched for a lighter.

"Hey, man. You got a light?" Silence was the fox faunus response due to him being pale as a sheet and petrified.

"Hey, I asked if-" Before finishing his sentence, his fox partner started running off into the distance and tripping while turning a corner.

"The hell gotten into him?"

"I heard you were talking about me behind my back." The sloth man screamed like a little girl, foamed at the mouth, and fainted. Twice. In reverse order. Somehow.

* * *

 **Sometime In The Vague Past,** **Season One, But With Best Ice Cream Girl Waifu and Dum-Dum And Associates**

* * *

*squeak, squeak*

Junior was washing some cups in a sink when suddenly, a door slamming open was heard.

A sigh.

 _'Roman and Neo are back from their mission with him_. _'_ Looking up to confirm his suspicious to see, yep, Roman and Neo. Slightly charred, but looking healthy otherwise.

They stomped over to him, not bothering with any greeting, and sat on the stools.

"Strongest stuff you got Hei-Xiong for me and all of your ice cream for her. Don't bother with cups or bowls."

The mob boss complied and placed six bottles of assorted vodka and malt liquor in front of the pair along with eight elephant sized tubs of, ironically, Neapolitan ice cream.

Junior was slightly impressed on how Roman was able to knock back an entire bottle in less than a minute.

"Grimmsley?"

"Grimmsley."

Another sigh.

"What did he do now?" Another bottle gone.

"He blew up the ocean." Junior blinked.

"Like the docks?"

"No the ocean with fish."

"Like that seafood restaurant?"

"No the ocean that surrounds land mass."

"Like the beach?"

"No! Like the goddamn ocean Hei-Xiong! In the middle of the ocean where water is supposed to be is now a crater!" Neo ate all of her ice cream already so she began drinking from the bottle as well at a more moderate pace. A half bottle at a time instead of the whole bottle.

Roman's head hit the table.

"What happened to us Junior? We were the kings of Vale living large and then that woman came along with her pet monster and now explosions happen near every time I go out. I can't smoke a cigar anymore because they all explode! My mom was right. I'm a nothing more than a milksop. I should've completed my law degree."

Pity could be seen on the barkeeps face.

"At least you aren't those two kids." Roman let out a pitiful cry.

"I suppose that's something I got going for me. Did you know Grimmsley made them eat a car?"

"A car?"

"He gave them a fork and made them eat a car."

"Wow." Now all the liquor was gone.

*Ring-Ring* Roman ignored his scroll.

*Ring-Ring* Roman looked at scroll.

*Ring-Ring* Roman saw Cinder Fall's face on his scroll.

Roman cried some anime tears and opened up his scroll.

"Yes Cinder?"

"You want more dust?"

"Is he going on the mission with us?"

"Oh thank Oum."

"Goodbye ma'am."

Roman stood up and face planted magnificently into the ground.

"Is he going to be okay?" Neo gave him a light kick.

"gawhhhh."

"Eh, good enough for me." Quietness filled the bar.

"..."

"Shouldn't you guys get going?"

"..."

"Yeah I wouldn't either."

"..."

"You really should go though. Last time you guys took too long, didn't Grimmsley come to get you guys?"

"..." Neo stood up, grabbed Romans left foot and dragged him up the stairs. Soft thumping could be heard.

Junior sighed again.

"Miltia, Melanie. Can you please get me the mop? The stairs are going to get stained."

 _'What the hell is happening to this city?'_

* * *

 **Sometime In The Vague Past,** **Season One, But With a Different Perspective in a Different Location**

* * *

Pathetic sobbing was emanating from a booth in a dive bar that was containing only two occupants.

"Why is everyone talking behind my back?! I just want everyone to be happy!"

"Listen Grimmsley, you're part of the criminal underground. Rumors are bound to spread."

"But I didn't do anything! I just gave Tukson a ticket to Altas! And I was trying to stop the nun from setting the orphanage on fire. AND WHY WAS THE NUN SETTING FIRE TO A ORPHANAGE?!"

"Dude, I told you that nuns were evil. Nearly all nuns in Remnant are demon werewolf ninjas but for some reason Remnant doesn't know about it."

"Why are they demon werewolf ninjas?!" The other person in the booth handed the crying man a box of tissues.

"Did you know I baked a carrot cake for Emerald and Mercury and they would rather eat a car than my cake! I know I'm not the best baker, but I'm not terrible!"

"Just go with the flow, things will work out much better for you."

"But then no one will get a happy ending!"

The other man sighed.

"Alright. I won't stop you from doing what you want to do. But I strongly advise against it. If you really want to give everyone a happy ending, I wish you the best. I need to go pretend to be a crazy Salem cultist." The other man handed Grimmsley a card.

"This is from a bakery in Mistral. If you really want to make them tasty cake, ask them for a job. Swear on my life, they have the best cake in the world."

Grimmsley sniffled.

"Thanks for listening, Tyrian. You're the best friend I could ever have."

"No problem man." Tyrian exhaled and gained a crazed look. "BLOOD FOR THE QUEEN, SKULL FOR HER THRONE! BWAHAAHA!" He then jumped out of a window.

Yep.


End file.
